Federal penitentiaries praised for affirmative action policies

WASHINGTON D.C. – The U.S. government is receiving unprecedented praise from world leaders and humanitarian organizations across the globe after a report released Thursday by Amnesty International outlined the overwhelming success of our affirmative action policies in promoting the incarnation of minorities.

“White people dominate most of the skilled professions in the United States especially in the political sector, higher education and in libraries. However, despite all the barriers in their way, the U.S. has still somehow managed to stuff its prisons with Blacks and Hispanics so that they are completely overcrowded.” The report read.

“The United States’ failures in so many other areas are more than made up for by their absolute commitment to locking up historically oppressed populations. It’s also heartwarming to see white people getting lighter sentences for many of the exact same crimes as their disadvantaged neighbors.” It added.

In a statement, President Trump’s spokeswoman told reporters that the government was only a very small part of the solution.

“They [minorities] only have themselves to congratulate. If each black, brown or otherwise systematically underprivileged American didn’t wake up every morning, steal, take drugs and murder people as they fought just to survive in our country’s most troubled cities, they probably would’ve just ended up sitting on the couch reading about this in the newspaper like you and I.” She said.