Gay hamburgers want men to eat them real good

CHARLESTON, SC– A homosexual hamburger at a Charleston burger joint is craving “the strong, deliberate, mouth of a man.”

“My buns are perky and I want to be held in the solid hands of a guy. I want his fingers all over me and I want them inside me. But most of all, I want my smell to linger on him when he goes home to his wife,” said the firm yet supple double cheeseburger.

The calorie-laden, men-loving, sandwich is part of an underground, but growing, community of gay hamburgers living in the U.S that dream of getting finished off by American men. Some studies even indicate that as many as one-in-ten burgers like to be held, touched and completely dominated by their male counterparts.

“I’m so hot right now and the thought of having my meat eaten by a man makes my sauces ooze.” A freshly made burger from Georgia told us.

However, it is not all peace and gay-burger-love.

Straight men across the country have begun boycotting various burger-joints including Burger King and McDonald’s after the Center for Disease Control issued a statement warning of the dangers of queer food ingestion. In a report released yesterday, the CDC cited strong evidence that up to 25 men nationwide have now left their wives after eating homosexual Whoppers and Big Macs, one of whom had been married for 47 years.

“The CDC used to think that ingesting meat was the perfect way to assert your manliness but unfortunately it’s true, if you eat a gay hamburger then you’re definitely gay,” the report concluded.