Gullible parents fall for God’s ‘hygiene’ joke, mutilate genitals of newborn son

TEANECK, NJ –A pair of well-meaning parents mutilated the genitals of their newborn son Saturday after they surrendered their better judgement and had his foreskin surgically removed in a popular procedure known as circumcision.

“It was the obvious decision to make,” said the boy’s father who is also missing part of his penis.

“The lord, in his infinite wisdom and goodness, willed it that all boys should have their penises cut just days after they are born. After all, it is much more hygienic to have part of your penis removed then to simply wash your penis every day,” reasoned the boy’s Dad when asked why he would do such a grotesque thing to his son.

Despite the global popularity of the ridiculous procedure, God admitted to The Millennial that he was actually “just kidding” when he told his disciples to popularize the practice thousands of years ago.

“I was a little drunk and I thought, fuck it, I wonder what I can get away with. Everyone already believed the thing about the talking snake and the huge flood, so I went for something completely outrageous,” a bemused God told reporters.

“I don’t think anyone should blame me though,” he added. “I gave people free will for a reason and all it takes is for someone with some sense to question why I would give kids foreskins if I just wanted adults to cut them straight off.”

News of yet another legal maiming of an American child comes on the back of reports that claim that dentists at the Vatican are offering free tongue circumcisions for newborn boys in order to promote good oral health in the church.

In unrelated news, reports of child sexual abuse at the Vatican have dropped to 0%.