Trump denies "really really" liking bidet

TOKYO, JAPAN – After spending over 30 minutes in a Tokyo bathroom during his recent trip to Japan, a red-faced Donald Trump fervently denied “enjoying the tickly yet soothing water jet built into the toilet.”

“What Bidet? I don’t know even what a bidet is and believe me, if I did, I would never use its efficient and oddly pleasurable way of cleansing my anus. Okay? Thank you.” President Trump said after being cornered by reporters outside the bathroom.

“I actually prefer the dry scratch of a one-ply, okay? I like to know that my fingers are always one slip away from tearing through the thin membrane of paper that separates me from my feces.” He later added.

Despite his assertion that “the gentle, warm, trickle of fresh water,” on his anal sphincter did not feel like he “was being personally cleaned by one hundred mermaids,” another anonymous bathroom goer said that they did hear the bidet being used.

“Even if I did try it, it was an accident, and I couldn’t turn it off.” Trump shouted over his shoulder as he quickly shuffled away from reporters.